


What is Love?

by soundofthestars



Category: Phandom
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-09
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-15 06:15:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12315408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soundofthestars/pseuds/soundofthestars
Summary: Phil had believed himself incapable of falling in love since childhood, but becoming roommates with Dan may prove him wrong. Maybe love wasn't as complex as he once thought.





	1. Fine Lines Defined

**Author's Note:**

> This is story set as mature, but I'll probably drop a few warnings here and there. If you need anything tagged, feel free to let me know! Also, feedback would be pretty cool.

_What is love?_

That seemingly simple question was one I continuously asked myself. Yet, it was always left unanswered. For another day I told myself, resigned. Except sometimes I felt so impatient. My eyes always caught those small moments between my parents, those shared smiles or an inside joke. I could see my mother's smile grow three times warmer when she caught my father looking at her. My father's hand would brush hers and it was like they were teenagers again, in their own world.  
What did they feel? Did their stomachs fill with butterflies? Was there a spark?  
What was love?

*  
 _"Dad?" My hands hung awkwardly at my sides as I got my father's attention.  
"Phil?" He looked at me curiously. "You okay?"  
Mum walked into the room just then. My father looked over at her. And his face lit up. What I wanted to ask was at the tip of my tongue.  
"What does being in love feel like?" The question left me in a tone that made both my parents look at me embarrassedly. There was a long pause as both of them thought. Foolish smiles curved thier lips. They looked so happy.  
"Nevermind." I turned and ran out, not wanting to hear the answer after all. Whatever they felt I knew I wasn't capable of it. And I was overcome with fear and a deep loneliness that would linger for years._  
*

"Philip Lester." The voice I was dreading the most sent chills down my spine. Monday mornings were supposed to be uneventful. Key word: supposed. My refusal to acknowledge the girl, my classmate, standing behind me in line was a terrible idea. I realized too late however. She was already starting to speak again.

"No text, no call, not even a simple hello when you passed me earlier. Tell me, Phil, did this past Friday mean _anything_ to you?"

My face warmed with embarrassment and I spun on my heel, leaving my plate of food on the counter. Her eyes were red with unshed tears, but I needed to be stern. A quick blow to her disillusioned dreams of me falling in love with her was best. It would hurt her less that way.

"Heather, we were both sober when we agreed that it was only to be a one-time thing. And that's what it was; a one night stand. Now please move on." It hurt me to be so curt, but I had grown accustomed to people, males and females alike, wanting to be more than just friends with benefits. It left a bitter taste in my mouth when they looked so injured. Heather was no different.

Lunch no longer appealing, I left Heather there with a heart-broken expression clear as day on her face. Thankfully a few friends of hers had been there to comfort her. Friends to tell her I was just another player, a pretty face spewing sweet words laced with lies.

Comfort... I longed for comfort. Who would make me feel at ease? My feet carried me to my dorm room. Dan was sitting on his bed, computer on his lap and music blaring. No comfort would be found here.

"What're you doing here? Don't you have class soon?" Dan's voice was as abrupt as usual. I shrugged before plopping down on my bed.

"Yeah, I guess. I really don't feel good so I'm not going." Heather was also in my next class. I should have known better than to get together with someone from this university. She had seemed nice though, not one to get attached so easily. That was a mistake. I rolled over to face the wall, tears pricking at my eyes. There was a horrible guilt gnawing away at my stomach.

"Another girl?" Dan asked with a short laugh.

"Shut up." I sat up to throw my pillow at him. "Not today, Dan."

Dan set his computer to the side and threw the pillow back at me. I left it where it landed, not caring. Dan stood up and approached slowly, almost hesitantly. I expected him to laugh condescendingly or hit me with the pillow. But he didn't.

Instead Dan kissed me. Without thinking, I kissed him back. Despite our constant bickering this kiss wasn't as unpleasant as I had imagined it to be. And, yes, I had imagined kissing Dan Howell. It was quite nice actually. Comforting.

"Did she want to be your girlfriend? How stupid. They should all know Phil Lester doesn't date. He doesn't fall for anyone." Dan murmured before pressing his lips to mine again. "Sex, that sort of physical closeness, and love are _entirely_ different, aren't they?"

With that, Dan pulled away. He gave a small smirk before sitting back down on his own bed. Dan continued on with what he was doing before, giving no indication that anything had happened. I felt calmer. Or at least my mind was now stuck on wondering why Dan had kissed me. Sure, there had been a few close incidents when we argued, but this was so sudden. Random. Maybe it was meant to make me feel better. His way of showing that physical closeness didn't mean love. Dan didn't love me and I didn't love him. That was certain.

"She's in my next class." I managed; face cooling too slow for my liking. Dan had a smile on his face as if he knew.

"It's not your fault, you know. You let people know there's to be no strings attached, right? Though it may be your fault for being a good lover, I guess." Dan joked. His eyes glanced up from his computer briefly. "You should go to class."

I rolled my eyes and settled down more comfortably on my bed. I wasn't going to go.

"Go to class, Mister-I-can't-miss-a-day-or-I'll-fail-miserably-doomed-to-a-life-of-customer-service." My eyes shot daggers, annoyed. What part of that girl was in my next class did he not understand? When I didn't move he decided to step up his game. "I swear to god I'll show everyone a picture of you crying over Attack on Titan."

I sat up quickly, looking at Dan incredulously. Dan picked up his phone with a devilish grin. There probably was a picture of me. I wouldn't put it past him. And since I didn't want to see what I looked like while crying I grabbed my backpack and stormed out, making sure the door slammed shut. His laughter echoed behind me.


	2. Summer Invitation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suddenly his lips were on mine once again. Everything was not fine. He tasted of onions. I leaned away, grimacing.
> 
> "Gross. Don't kiss me, onion breath." Now that was how I imagined that first kiss to be; disgusting and not enjoyable at all.

"Wake up! We're gonna be late for class!" My alarm hadn't gone off this morning and Dan could never be bothered to set one most times. When he did he needed at least seven alarms set to the loudest, most obnoxious ringtone he had.

With his phone sitting across the room so he had to get up.

We now had ten minutes to get to class. I chucked my pillow at him as I slipped a pair of skinny jeans on in record time. Whether or not they were the cleanest pair I owned I didn't care at the moment. Dan hadn't even flinched. How late had he stayed up last night? I crossed the room, pulling a shirt over my head before reaching his bed. "Wake up, Daniel." The pillow I had thrown was now being used to hit him repeatedly until he got fed up. Or that was the plan anyway. There wasn't much luck. When I had been just about to give up, Dan sat up and tore the pillow out of my hands.

"For Christ's sake Phil, chill out." Dan snapped moodily. He threw my pillow back across the room and buried his face on his own pillow again. I sighed, starting to feel my annoyance grow.

"Whatever, Howell. You can't say I didn't try." It was then that Dan sat up. He glared and stood up more quickly than I would've guessed he could move.

"How's my morning breath, Lester?" Dan purposefully breathed in my face, laughing at my disgusted expression. He brushed by me, yawning. "Go on ahead, _mother._

"If you would just set an alarm we wouldn't need to go through this three times a week." I muttered. It hit me then that I really did sound like my mother. When had that happened? I fretted over that thought as I walked hastily to our class.

Twenty minutes later Dan came strolling into the classroom. Unfortunately the only open seat was beside me. The balding professor looked at us with uneasiness. He was probably thinking back to the first day of class. Dan threw an arm over my shoulder, grinning. "It's okay, professor. We're on good terms now." Dan reassured the teacher with a look at me as he spoke.

"At least your breath smells better than earlier." It was barely a mutter. Somehow Dan had heard me though. When the teacher turned back to the board he leaned in close, whispering darkly. His eyes glinted with mischief. Oh great.

"Just you wait."

I shuddered. The promise of something happening didn't make me scared; it was the whisper in my ear that made me uncomfortable. My ear burned and I leaned away quickly. Dan was smirking yet again. Class passed uneventfully as Dan and I ignored each other. I could see the relief in the teacher's face when we walked out. We must have left a terrible impression on him that first day.

-

I only had to wait until it was our usual lunch time to find out what he meant. We never ate lunch together as Dan preferred to eat indoors while I liked to enjoy the nice weather while I could. So when a pair of hands snaked over my shoulders from behind, I froze. The hands didn't look familiar and currently I wasn't with anyone. Not that they would casually hug me. Who could this be?

"Hey there." Dan breathed into my face as I turned my head to catch a glimpse. His breath reeked of onions and garlic. My eyes watered. He laughed, clearly enjoying my expression just like this morning.

"Piss off, Dan. What did you eat? That's horrible." I shoved him away trying not to gag.

"Today, just for you, I had onions and garlic pizza. Pretty great huh? Do you like it?" He sat beside me acting flirtatiously. The distance between us was nonexistent, but I didn't care. As long as he didn't breathe in in my face again everything would be fine. My eyes wandered across the courtyard absently. I was purposefully ignoring Dan, hoping he'd wander away eventually.

Suddenly his lips were on mine once again. Everything was not fine. He tasted of onions. I leaned away, grimacing.

"Gross. Don't kiss me, onion breath." Now that was how I imagined that first kiss to be; disgusting and not enjoyable at all.

A full minute passed as I ate my sandwich slowly, struggling to forget the taste of onions. When was Dan going to retort? It was unusual for him to be this quiet around me. Had I actually hurt his feelings?

_"What if I said I liked you?"_

My eyes widened and I felt a horrid feeling start to stir in my stomach. I blanched. There was no way he was serious. "I wouldn't take you seriously. You already know my answer anyway." My voice was weak. This was bad. Dan couldn't like me. Seeing as how we were constantly arguing and trying to drive each other up the wall it didn't seem likely. My parents were never like that. Even when they were dating in the early days there was no arguing I had been informed. _Dan couldn't like me._

"Phil, you're as pale as a ghost. Holy shit, it was only a joke. Breathe, okay?" Dan looked worried. I stared at him, angry.

"That wasn't funny. You know it wasn't. I've lost friends al-"

"We're friends now, are we?" Dan cut me off. His laughter filled the air, suffocating me. It wasn't unkind, just amused. I couldn't get over the anxiety that was consuming me. What if he had been serious? That would ruin everything. God, why couldn't I just have a crush like a norma-

"Phil." Dan touched my shoulder gently. His laughing had stopped abruptly. "You okay?" He looked genuinely concerned at this point.

"Y-yeah." I managed. Tears welled up in my eyes and I hopped up. "I've got to get to class. See you later"

-

Later was much sooner than I thought. There was a soft knock on the classroom door and Dan appeared. Acting timid, he sat beside me and gave the professor a quick nod. My face burned as Dan stared at me. I looked at him with a confused look, hissing at him.

"What are you doing here?"

"Sorry about earlier. I know-" I zoned out for a moment as Dan's breath reached me. It smelled fresh and minty. Much better than earlier that's for sure. "Phil, you fucking spork, are you listening? I'm apologizing and there you are.. smelling my breath like some weirdo."

I gave Dan a steely look. "Well excuse me, you walking mint. You distracted me in cas-"  
"And you're distracting me."

That was not Dan.

The teacher was looming over us. She gave a sharp look towards Dan who immediately got up and left, not wanting to deal with a scolding.  
"Sorry." I mumbled.

-

"Dan, I can't believe you! She scolded me. I got scolded, oh my god." As soon as I was in our room I dropped my bag and grabbed my pillow. Dan held his own pillow up over his face in self-defense. As I hit him with my pillow I could hear him laughing. It was always the pillow. I'm surprised it hadn't come apart yet.

"Good. A little lecture won't harm you. I've gotten plenty."

An exasperated sigh escaped me. That was Dan. I however had rarely been lectured in my life.  
"Whatever." I settled down on my bed and opened my laptop. Netflix it was. After about an hour Dan spoke up.

"What are you doing for summer break?" What was I doing for summer break? Hmm. Slipping my headphones off to rest around my neck I glanced over at Dan.

"Going home, I guess. I'm not taking summer classes. A break sounds so nice. And mum's cooking." I paused to reminisce before realizing I hadn't asked Dan what he was doing. When I gazed back towards him, he was staring at me with a crooked smile. Dan looked wistful. Or maybe it was just a trick of the eye. I spoke again, wondering what he was doing. "What are you doing this summer?"

Dan looked away, thinking. "I'll probably stay here. I'm not taking any summer classes, but I'd rather stay here." Dan frowned for a moment. It made me wonder why he didn't want to go home. "I get to sleep in without you bothering me, thank god." He continued on, joking.

I couldn't quite get over that frown though. I wanted to ask, but we weren't close enough for that. Dan was a private person, so asking him would only force him to make up some lame excuse. "Yeah and then I wouldn't need to act as your mother anymore. Only a few more weeks and we don't have to see each other for two months. Or more if you're switching dorm rooms."

He shrugged and focused on his computer again. Twenty minutes slid by before I spoke.

"Do you want to stay with me for the summer?"

The question left my mouth before I thought it through. Once I said it, I realized I didn't regret it; at least not yet anyway.

The reply was slow, but not reluctant. "Sure."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unrealistic, over exaggerated drama is going to go down next chapter (and for the rest of whatever mess this story is becoming), stay tuned. ;3


End file.
